Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
