Moan for me like Helen Keller
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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