I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
