girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
