8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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