He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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