I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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