We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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