I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
