if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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