Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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