this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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