Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
