went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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