I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
