my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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