there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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