I want to stick my p in your. b.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
