Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i barfeds in our rink
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
is it fun? or sober?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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