tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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