My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
