next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
