Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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