we're chasing vodka with high fives
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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