if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
