Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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