No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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