Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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