so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
