i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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