apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
