My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
