just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
