My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
