why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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