Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
