lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
