When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
