you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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