Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
