OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
time to smoke my breakfast
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
