I think my fart just growled at me.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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