there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
