her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
