When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
