remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
