I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
