Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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