Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
