You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
