i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize