So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
