david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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