True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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