My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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