Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
