I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize