She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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