The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
