Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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