I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize