Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
