Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
