There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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